First day photos.

Here they are grandparents, aunt and uncles!!!  Mama is doing fine.  Kind of. 

My 4th grader.

My 2nd grader.

My Kindergartner.

The new shoes.  Always the most exciting part of back-to-school.

Does anyone else see the hesitation on Zaddok's face?

The brothers.

He tried so hard to be happy.

Oh my baby.  This is what I was dreading.

We had to leave him in his classroom, crying his eyes out.  Then Mama had to leave so I could cry my eyes out.  I just wanted him to feel happy and excited.  Instead he feels unsure and scared.  God, please be with him today.

I just want it to be 3:00.

Remembering...

I posted this one year ago this week.  It is amazing to me that she has been gone a year.  I know this past 12 months has been so hard and full of unexpected feelings, reactions and heartaches.  I love you girls so much and pray that the healing continues.  Your mama was a special lady.  I miss her sweet face.  Much peace and love today...

This week the world suffered a most tragic loss. Janet Brown, my sweet Michelle's mama, died in surgery after unexpected heart trouble. I have to say, I did not get to spend enough time with Janet during the time I knew her. Our visits were a birthday party or a Discovery Center day here and there. But the times that I was able to share with her left a lasting warm feeling in my heart. She was the ultimate mama. I'm sure there were times when I held her hugs just a little too long because they felt cushy, soft and familiar. She made me feel as welcome as if I were her own. (I do kinda look like I fit with her girls!) She treated my babies with the patience and tenderness of a grandma. And she even bought me donuts a few times!


I think the most honorable thing about Janet is spoken most perfectly through her girls. They are beautiful, kind and caring people. They love to laugh, talk and reminisce. They love their babies and can be the protective mama bear or the silly mama clown. (or Aunt Rachel!) They hold fast to their convictions and live life to serve. That is truly "Janet style".

I know the family's pain is great. I am missing her so and I only got to spend a few years with her. I know this wound will never heal. She has left a void and always will be remembered. There will be the "I wish mom was here" times and the "I just need my mama now" times. I can't even imagine how hard this journey will be. But we who are in the faith know that Janet is telling us she will see us in a minute. She is not sad, she is dancing and worshiping and seeing the things the rest of us dream for. But for those of us left here on Earth to continue our journeys, she has left us better for knowing her and so sad to not have her with us.


Michelle, Carrie and Rachel, I love you girls and am praying God's peace for you. You girls are precious to me.

Zaddie Poo-poo

Believe it or not, that is what I called him for the first few years of his life. Oh, there were others too. Zad Poo, Pooper, Poopoo, and my all-time favorite, Poop. Poor guy. We stick to Zadd or Zaddie now. I guess he will forgive me one day. His name had always been controversial and will probably give him fits. Most of our family still can't spell it right. Again I say, poor guy. But we chose the name with purpose. It was a name that meant something to us. Zadok in the Old Testament was a priest who chose to be on God's side in a very serious situation. Here is a link to the story. If there was any characteristic that I would want to make sure my babies have, it would be standing firm in what they know is right. We changed the spelling of Zadok (which is pronounced with a long a) to Zaddok so that it would be more pleasing to the American tongue but the meaning remains the same. Righteous. Not surfer-dude righteous but lover of God righteous.

Now, Zaddok the kid is a nut! He is the funniest most joyful little boy I have ever met. He loves just about everyone. He is a crazy wild boy who will come by and slap my hiney just to see if he will get in trouble. He LOVES his older brother and sister and would rather be with them than anyone else. (Except maybe Judah or Kyle!) He thinks his baby brother is cute but maybe has just a little bit of jealousy over losing his baby status. He gets away with everything. Not because I don't care but because I am 31 and I'm tired and because he really is too stinkin' cute sometimes. It's not just the cuteness but the sincerity in his eyes when he tells me he didn't mean to spit on his baby brother's head. He's got really sweet eyes. See...



Zaddok is the classic little brother. He wants to win and he want to win big. He will practice something until he gets it. Not because it's all that important to him but because he wants to WIN! He has the little brother temper. Quick to anger and quick to reap justice for himself. That will end in someone crying and it is usually him. But that's okay because five seconds later he will be laughing hysterically at something someone said. I would say his little laugh is like angels singing but it is really more like chipmunks freaking out. It often gets us all rolling on the floor and laughing with him! He is that guy in our house. He brings joy, hugs, giggles and rosy cheeks. He always has rosy cheeks. It fits his jolliness.

Zadd Poo, I love you more than you will ever know. I pray God's protective hand over you. I know that he has created you for a purpose and I can't wait to see what that is! You are my darling little man and I thank my Abba that he chose me to be your mama. Love you buddy.

Janet Brown

This week the world suffered a most tragic loss. Janet Brown, my sweet Michelle's mama, died in surgery after unexpected heart trouble. I have to say, I did not get to spend enough time with Janet during the time I knew her. Our visits were a birthday party or a Discovery Center day here and there. But the times that I was able to share with her left a lasting warm feeling in my heart. She was the ultimate mama. I'm sure there were times when I held her hugs just a little too long because they felt cushy, soft and familiar. She made me feel as welcome as if I were her own. (I do kinda look like I fit with her girls!) She treated my babies with the patience and tenderness of a grandma. And she even bought me donuts a few times!

I think the most honorable thing about Janet is spoken most perfectly through her girls. They are beautiful, kind and caring people. They love to laugh, talk and reminisce. They love their babies and can be the protective mama bear or the silly mama clown. (or Aunt Rachel!) They hold fast to their convictions and live life to serve. That is truly "Janet style".

I know the family's pain is great. I am missing her so and I only got to spend a few years with her. I know this wound will never heal. She has left a void and always will be remembered. There will be the "I wish mom was here" times and the "I just need my mama now" times. I can't even imagine how hard this journey will be. But we who are in the faith know that Janet is telling us she will see us in a minute. She is not sad, she is dancing and worshiping and seeing the things the rest of us dream for. But for those of us left here on Earth to continue our journeys, she has left us better for knowing her and so sad to not have her with us.

Michelle, Carrie and Rachel, I love you girls and am praying God's peace for you. You girls are precious to me.

Haiti

This evening we celebrated the beginning of Sabbath with a simple meal of fresh veggies and homemade bread. Our daddy is at work so we had to light our candles without him. We had some Newman O's for dessert. If you have never had them you must try them. Like Oreo's but better and better for you. (well, as much as a cookie can be I guess)

I am just sick tonight as I watch the things unfolding in Haiti. Such a poor country and so ill-equipped to handle this. In a way I can see the light being shined on this country as a blessing. There are so many children living in extreme poverty. So many who have been forgotten. I pray that these babies get the help they need and have needed for a long time. Oh God we cannot begin to understand your ways but we trust in your sovereignty. Adonai that you would surround the least of these with you glory and your healing. Lord provide your peace for those who have lost their families and for those who still don't know.

Oh it is so hard not to feel guilty for sitting here in the comfort of my home with my babies safely tucked into beds. I have to examine my attitude and the things that I find it too easy to complain about. How could I even have any worry? Even if we lost everything, we still live in a place where we could find help. We live in a place where people have plenty and are willing to give. We cannot even comprehend what it would be live in a place like Haiti. I know Katrina was bad and there were many horrible things that happened but help was there and people were rescued. In Haiti, even when people are rescued, where is the help? Everyone is suffering. Everything in in ruins.

We just have to pray. Pray without ceasing. Pray for mercy. Pray for miracles.