Little Wife On the Prairie

When you are everything to everyone, well, you had better act like you have it all together.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Run away. It's reality time folks.

Today I want to run away.  All week actually.  I have seen visions of just walking out the door getting in my car, and driving down the road.  It has been a hard week.
Nothing in particular is wrong.  Just life, with its stress and frustration times 5.  A house in disarray.  My soul with not one moment to recharge.  It has been non-stop. 
I feel guilty even writing this.  I am so blessed.  "Too blessed to be stressed!"  I might get violent if someone said that to me right now.  I know that there are circumstances that could make our lives even harder and more stressful.  I know that I am just being a baby.  I feel guilty for having so much yet wanting even more.  I do not handle stress well.
These children are more important to me than my very life.  Yet, in the moments of daily frenzy, when they are their imperfect little selves (we won't even get into me), we clash. 
Children are often irrational.  So are grown ups who have been dealing with irrational children all day.  So we have our tugs and shouts and stand-offs.
It makes my heart hurt.  My expectations for how this whole parenting thing was supposed to go were way off.  Did you know children have their own wills?  Did you know that they cling to these wills with gusto?  Did you know that that makes me crazier than the craziest crazy person?
I am tired.  I am beat.  But I can't let them know that or they will team up and take me down. 
And wouldn't you know it?  On the night that I am so needy for peace so hungry for solitude, not one of those stinkers will go to sleep.  They keep wandering downstairs to tattle or complain or have me come look for a spider they just know is in the bed. 
I did look for the spider but I am not being very nice.  I am actually behaving a little like a spoiled brat.  I just want some time. 
So for everyone who reads this blog, not everything is perfect on the Prairie.  I have these days way more than I want to admit.  Having kids is hard.  It just is.  Trying to figure out the right way to handle each situation, digging for patients when you have none left, putting aside your own need to think or sleep or go to the bathroom, it is all hard.  
But these little people that God entrusted to me, they deserve better than my weakness.  So I pray for strength and my husband prays for my strength and my mom and my best friend and my sister-in-law, they all pray for me...
Because I need it.  I need that one area of my life to give up.  I need Him to meet that need in me as I meet the needs of so many.  I want to be perfect, I do.  But it is not in me.  
I pray they see His strength in my weakness.  I pray my babies see my tired eyes and worn hands and know that behind them lies something greater.  
I pray that when I sing Amazing Grace with them at night that those words speak truth to them.  That no matter what we go through during the day, we will always end with that sweet sound.  That there is nothing that can't be repaired with tears and sorrys, nothing that can't be undone with tender songs and hugs. 
So I will go into them when they finally fall asleep and I will look at them and weep.  I will touch the softness of their skin and kiss their sleeping eyes and say a prayer of thankfulness  and I will ask for forgiveness for my haste and my anger.  I will pray for a better tomorrow.
And He will forgive. 
That's my KING.  
Oh and P.S.  To my Mama, I am so very sorry for any trauma I may have caused you at any point in my life.  You may laugh now.  :)  


jeana said...

I'm so sorry. I have these days often as well. I'll be praying for you...and if you need anything just let me know :)

Larissa said...

This is amazing to be able to relate. I see you and other blogs of our friends, and think how do they do it. I have two kids, and am only now taking up gardening. I am nowhere near making my own food from scratch. And I wonder where do they find the time? How do they get by?

I know the nights of wanting quiet; and it's usually the nights that my son wakes sick or with his little legs hurting. The times when I yell at him for hurting.

I feel the frustration as well. But you are doing as we all should. Pray for strength and forgiveness! :)

Thank you for sharing.

Brandon and April said...

Today. Today is one of those days for me. And it's only 8:15 in the morning. Isn't it nice to know we aren't alone? Not only with fellow moms that struggle just as we do, but we have a very perfect savior to lean on in our many moments of imperfectness and weakness. So needed this encouragement on this day.
Keep it up, mama. You're such a great mom and hopefully someday when they're bigger they'll remember all those nights of singing amazing grace with them and not the frustration you showed when searching for a spider!

Jaclyn Hicks said...

Praying for ya....and I so get it.

The other day, I scared my little man a little, when I went into my room alone and screamed into the pillow.

I just had was that day.

And later, we snuggled and I told him that Mommy needed a time out, that her attitude needed adjusting. Boy did it ever....

Praying for you always my friend.